Speed Camera Detector Source

Daddy Barry says:

Ready?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers. — Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, “Got any shoes you're not using?” — Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. — Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
– Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
– Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. — Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
– Steven Wright

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.” — Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. — Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. — Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. — Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
– Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
– Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
– Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
– Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
– Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
– Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? — Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
– Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?” — Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? — Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
– Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
– Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?” I said, “yes”. — Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I'm going to buy some sugar.” — Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. — Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. — Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. — Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. — Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went “Aaaaahhhh…” — Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
– Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. — Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
– Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
– Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
– Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.
– Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? — Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
– Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests. — Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
– Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. — Steven Wright

If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare? — Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading…and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. — Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. — Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually… — Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
– Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
– Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
– Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
– Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. — Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. — Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time. — Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you
making?” “A salt lick.” — Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend. — Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. — Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
– Steven Wright

The sky is falling…no, I'm tipping over backwards. — Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. — Steven Wright

Is “tired old cliche” one? — Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
– Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
– Steven Wright

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. — Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. — Steven Wright

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
– Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. — Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. — Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. — Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. — Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. — Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough. — Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. — Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It's not for sale.”
– Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. — Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
– Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. “You didn't borrow this.” “I will.” — Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed. — Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
– Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. — Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said,
“Don't I know you?” — Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. — Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. — Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. — Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. — Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.” — Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?” He said, “I don't know.” I said, “I don't want your job.”
– Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
“We're surrounded.” — Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
– Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
– Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. — Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
– Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening. — Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. — Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this. — Steven Wright

This isn't all true. — Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
– Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. — Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. — Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So.
What did you think?” — Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. — Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
– Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones? — Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
– Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? — Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.” — Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. — Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books…not on purpose. — Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have
written that.” — Steven Wright

“So, do you live around here often?” — Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can't find my socks.” She said,
“They're behind the couch.” And they were! — Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child….eventually. — Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
– Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
– Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… — Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. — Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. — Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I'm going to buy some sugar.” — Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don't have that much time.
– Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings…
Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire. — Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. — Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
– Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?” — Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5's. The clerk said,
“ten-four.” — Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”. — Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.” He
said, “Yes, but not in a row.” — Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.” — Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It's
free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
– Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. — Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. — Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. — Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. — Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it…
– Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. — Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. — Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Stephen, why haven't
you called me?” I said, “I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don't know…
my calendar has no sevens on it.” — Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went “Aaaaahhhh…” — Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,
“Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don't think so…
he's only 2 months old.” I said, “I'll wait.” — Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this